Emotional Roller Coaster...The Postpartum Joys

I love children.  I love having children.  I love being pregnant.  Yes, I absolutely LOVED being pregnant...every time.  I have never had a "bad" pregnancy where I feel horrible or am vomitting daily.  Yeah, I got sick here and there, but nothing major or unbearable.  At the end of each pregnancy, yes, I got uncomfortable, but I was never the one to say "I can't wait to be done with this pregnancy."  It might have helped that three of our four children were born more than two weeks early.

Well, after the birth of a baby, a woman can go through a wonderful emotional roller coaster that is due to the hormone surge after birth.  I'll admit, I'm struggling right now.  I couldn't wait to get home yesterday; bring Charlie home to his house and family.  About 20 minutes after I got home, I needed peace and quiet.  It felt like I walked into a tornado, things everywhere, choas, out of control.  I was just plain overwhelmed.  I can't remember what time it was, but I looked at Peter and burst into tears and just said "I don't even know what to do.  I'm so overwhelmed."  Now, let me add that it probably didn't help that not even 48 hours after giving birth, I was running errands and shopping (what?  He's our first boy and is still wrapped in pink...he needs some things!).  I think I overdid it a little and was not feeling well physically, which didn't help me emotionally. 

We got home from the hospital around 1 or a little after.  Katie and I went shopping around 2 or so.  Delaney got off the bus around 4, and we went to her First Grade Performance around 6pm.  She did wonderful.  We had Poppy come over to watch Rowena and Charlie...too many people, too many germs, way too cold.  Delaney was even picked out of the entire group of first grade girls to say "Thank You" for those that helped put on the show and give them flowers and a hug.  I am SOOO proud of her!  She was picked because of how well she behaved during rehearsals.

We got home and Delaney needed to do homework, both Delaney and Katie needed baths, the dishes needed to be done, we promised pie and ice cream, Rowe is not used to not being carried by Peter when she wants him, Charlie was chillin' with Grammie.  It wasn't that unusual of a day, in that we know our routine with the girls so very, very well.  But, you throw in an infant that needs to eat so often, be changed even more often, etc. and you still want to keep up with your routine and the attention your other children need and want so much...and crash...I burst into tears.  I don't think I have postpartum depression...I honestly believe I'm overwhelmed and scared, and to be honest--I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I can't play school with Katie because I have to feed Charlie.  I feel guilty because I'm completely exhausted and my body is worn out and I lose my patience with Delaney.  I feel guilty that Rowe won't hang out with me, but only wants Peter...like she knows I'm a bad parent.  And, I know I'm not, I really do.  But, I blame these postpartum hormones that drive women crazy.  I know it will pass.  I know in a few days or a couple weeks things will settle.  We'll become more used to Charlie being home and we will develop a new routine, and include everyone.

And, despite my tear bursts, my exhaustion, and my soreness...I am so sad that I will never again experience pregnancy, the kicks and squirms, the pain and excitement of labor, and having another baby.  But, I am so grateful to have found someone in my life for which we share the same values in parenting, and one who is so supportive and helpful and sticks by my side and hugs me and kisses my head when I am this overwhelmed.  I am grateful for my four healthy children that we do have, their different personalities that drive me crazy and that I love so very much. 

So, it's almost 4am and Charlie is taking a nap on me after only eating on one side and having a diaper change.  I am smelling his head as I type this, knowing how quickly this stage passes.  It's so very dark and quiet in our house right now and I just wanted to express how overwhelmed I have been, even though I know it will pass and we'll be just fine.  Right now, the choas has settled and I have peace and quiet and can rest...for about 3 more hours.  Do I sleep or do I take the moment???