Tuesday, August 10, 2010

From Bad to Worse to Just Plain Sh*tty!

So, today was supposed to be a wonderful day...the day of my Defense--the last hurdle of grad school, my defining moment. Instead, it's been a just plain very horrible day. It all began yesterday when I resubmitted my paper for my portfolio only to find out it still wasn't good enough. I got the email during the time I took Katie to get her Kindergarten shots, where her and I sat for almost 2 hours. She got her shots and then has been sick. She tried telling me before the shots that she wasn't feeling well, but I chalked it up to her wanting to get out of shots. She had a fever yesterday of 101.7. Then, after the girls were in bed, I worked on my paper and got to bed around midnight. I didn't feel any better after submitting my paper again.

I woke up to super hot Katie climbing into bed at 6am. Fever was now at 102.7. And going on 6 hours of stressed sleep was not ideal for my day. I got everything ready, showered, and got dressed and headed off to my Defense. I arrived only 15 minutes early--again, not ideal for me as I wanted to read over a few notes as I had not been able to do that the few days before.

The Defense began and it definitely was not as easy or laid back as some peers have said. I had many questions regarding my choice of theory, how it is systematic, my journal, experiences, etc. I felt emotionally drained and completely stupid when I left. And this was of no fault of the committee of professors, as they challenged me and praised my efforts and responses. In fact, I received many compliments on my work and Defense. But I felt very defeated and lonely. It was like I had worked so hard for almost four straight years for this moment and it was over. Should be a great feeling, right? That's what I thought it would be. But, instead I was left feeling alone, very emotional, and without purpose. I wonder if I had a job if I would feel this horrible. It's almost like I have no focus now, no purpose. I also wonder if it is because I am, in a sense, losing my support system of professors and the safety of GSU...

After all of my hard work, or at least what I thought was hard work, there was no celebration or excitment to follow. We can't afford a party, or even a night out to celebrate my accomplishment. I mean, I graduated with my masters (and a difficult program, no less) with a 4.0 GPA. I just thought I would be enjoying this moment, yet I sit here and tears are pouring down my face.

It doesn't help that I pushed Peter into going out with a friend tonight. He has been so supportive and super stressed lately too, and he really needed and deserved a night out! I can't think of the last time he went out with friends and relaxed. So, I'm taking care of the girls, which usually isn't all that difficult, but Katie is whiny and needy because she's not feeling well and Delaney answered the door after I told her not too because I was giving Rowena a bath and then Riggs got out and ran down the street. Delaney sat with Rowena while I chased the dog down the street and I think my neighbor now thinks I'm a complete crazy b*tch because I spanked Riggs and was crying. Came inside, and had been so upset I ended up throwing up. So, tried making myself soemthing to eat later, and ended up burning three fingers on my left hand.

So, I sit here, after all of this and continue to allow myself to sulk and fester and feel alone and horrible; not wanting to answer phone calls, emails, or text messages, which is really crappy for me to do--after all, many of those reaching out to me have been through this process themselves and know how it is, others have been encouraging loved ones throughout, or just want to extend a "congrats." Yet, I continue to be selfish and miserable, remaining in this funk and wanting to be alone.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings a brighter side for me...I'm not usually like this and I really do not like it!!!

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Patty said...

Ames...I'm sorry you are so blue, chalk it up to hormones, wipe those tears away, and look at all the wonderful things in your life, don't dwell on one horrible day. You are a strong women and loved very much!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Amy, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. At least you have all that counseling experience and understand why! I really do relate to that lost feeling after finishing, and for you, it's been a long time of work and effort. I guess it's the lull before the next big adventure...

Danuszka said...

You are the most unselfish person that I know so don't ever feel bad for letting your feelings come out!

Connie Krebs said...

Oh honey, I am thinking of you. You are going to be great at whatever you so and know that a lot of people are rooting for you and all that you are working towards. Everyone has crappy days (we should call each other the next time we both have meltdowns!) and I know that being pregnant is making everything seem so much worse.
Look up, see all you have accomplished and be proud sista!

(Oh, I just put on the sweater for the photo silly, no way do I run around like that on normal days!) =)

Jessica J said...

Oh Amy, I'm sorry to hear you're so bummed out. I really hope today is a better day for you and Katie is starting to feel better. What an amazing, major accomplishment you have just conquered. I can't even imagine how difficult and challenging it was.